Roasted Pampers

Dear Babies Everywhere,

This is a public service announcement.

Do not let your spaghetti from a box,-sauce from a jar making moms watch Rachel Ray. They will transform right in front of your eyes and believe that they too, are a world renowned chef.

They may or may not don an apron. The same lady who gave up covering her clothes from your spit up for the first 6 months of your life, the same lady who fill find stains on her jeans and just assume it’s either macaroni and cheese or poop, and then move on, will twirl around the kitchen in an apron because thanks to The Food Network, all 5 star chefs wear aprons.

She might then whisk through the kitchen, pouring, slicing, cutting and mixing away. She’ll stop every 2.5 minutes to interrupt your exploration of a electrical outlet or try to distract you from splashing in the dog’s water dish. She could get a lot more done if she would just let you climb the stairs, eat a small piece of something you found on the floor or hide her keys in an undisclosed location, but she clearly can’t stay focused on one task.

Trying to cook and watch a toddler is a tough job, so when she turns on the rear burner instead of the front burner, she may not realize her mistake.

It could take her realizing the house is getting smoky and the smell of burning plastic is permeating the kitchen for her to look over at the stove and realize the soup is still room temperature, but the pack of diapers that had been sitting on the stove for days is now roasting nicely.

She may or may not throw the smoking pack of diapers across the house and turn off the stove. Crisis adverted. But then she will have to deal with the smoke. You’ll see the wheels in her head turning: open the doors. Easier said that done when you have one dog and one kid who will bolt out of any open entry way given 2.5 seconds of freedom.

She might quickly rush one confused dog into the laundry room and shut the door, thus allowing her to open the front and back doors without having to worry about posting a missing dog flyer at Publix later that evening.

As the smoke clears, she may feel annoyed that 12 out of the 18 remaining diapers in the pack are now melted together and burnt. And diapers ain’t cheap. But she will also be thankful that there was smoke, no fire, and the soup can begin to heat and will be almost close to half as good as the one Rachel Ray made.

In conclusion babies, stick to The Mickey Mouse Club when choosing shows for your moms. Nobody ever served Roasted Pampers in the Mickey Mouse Club House.